1. |
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Here's a toast to you and yours,
From the likes of me and mine,
Listen to my tale of woe if you please.
When we meet amongst the battle,
I will not be quite so kind,
There's no heroes on the high seas.
Once I was a maiden girl,
Every day was fair and fun,
Singing songs and skipping through the dogwood trees.
But I cut off all me hair,
This daughter became a son,
There's no heroes on the high seas.
With no money to me name,
Joined the army fought the war,
Till I met a handsome fellow and did seize.
We were married in the spring,
By the fall he was a corpse,
There's no heroes on the high seas.
Once again I donned me breeches,
On a merchant ship I sailed,
And we followed long the warm and tropic breeze.
But the pirates came and raided us,
Be press-ganged or impaled,
There's no heroes on the high seas.
That was 13 year ago,
Now this pirate fleet is mine,
The pirate queen they call me, on your knees!
If you're gonna earn your way,
Swab the deck you scurvy swine!
There's no heroes on the high seas.
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2. |
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Everyone gather around,
You'll want to hear this.
A story about an animal so very fierce.
If you want to have any chance of surviving an encounter.
Don't worry I have something that will assuage all your fears.
Buy your very own bottle of Doc Davis's jackalope serum,
It's only 13.99 plus shipping and tax.
No household should find itself without this monster repellant,
Get yours today you never know when one might attack.
My poor feeble grandmother left this world all to early.
It came in the night, silent as a rock.
It gored her feet so badly that we couldn't stop the bleeding
Her death left our family in quite a horrible shock
There was cousin Eduardo who walked off into the desert.
He followed the voice of his dearly departed wife.
That crafty jackalope could mimic her voice so completely.
Exposure to elements took poor Eduardo's life.
What's that you say? Jackalope serum smells just like whiskey?
I assure you, my friend it's far more complex than that.
Take your chances if you want, it's only your life that's at stake here.
I've heard one's been spotted gnawing on a townsperson's cat.
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3. |
Enterprise Safety
02:03
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I was working on the Enterprise just the other day,
When some space debris hit the side and we began to sway,
I went flying through the air, I went crashing to the floor,
And a thought popped in my head that I'm sure you've thought before.
They've got tricorders and phasers on the Enterprise,
But not a single seatbelt on that ship of massive size,
The technology is baffling, the advancements truly neat,
But I'd settle for a strap that merely keeps me in my seat.
Had I made a big mistake, signing up to join the fleet?
Did my red shirt give them carte blanche to consistently mistreat?
Would it really take so much to strap us in at red alert?
So we can spend more time exploring worlds and less time badly hurt.
They've got holodecks and dilithium on the Enterprise,
But not a single seatbelt on that ship of massive size,
The technology is baffling, the advancements truly neat,
But I'd settle for a strap that merely keeps me in my seat.
To boldly go where no one's gone before,
Doesn't seem like too much fun when you're laid out on the floor.
A Nader-esque slogan's what we need:
The Enterprise: unsafe at any speed.
They've got hyperspanners and warp drive on the Enterprise,
They've got replicators and nanites on the Enterprise.
Parisis squares and sick bay beds, and androids who can feel,
But they don't have seatbelts...
...or bullets to kill the Borg.
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4. |
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There once was a man from Germany,
Though his accent was a little bit muddled,
He had an idea that was grandiose,
And would leave his victims befuddled,
“I’ll take over a building in a terrorist way,”
he said to his toe-headed henchman,
“And no one will know we’re just here to rob them,
The air will be filled with such tension.”
He had an affinity for great suits,
And he most definitely wasn’t afraid to shoot,
Oh Hans Gruber, from Nakatomi, stole his last cent,
In a blaze of slow-motion glory he went.
The heist was all going according to plan,
The police had no clue what to do,
After all, Hans recruited the best of the best
for his vault-cracking, gun-toting crew.
But when his men started dying one by one
he still wouldn’t admit to danger.
And some say the reason John McClain won
was Hans’ logic succumbing to anger
The final stand-off was a thing to behold,
As it looked as though Hans had his way,
Though all of his men were dead and gone
There’d be more loot for him anyway.
As McClain strode forward, a smirk on his face,
Hans grabbed John’s dearly beloved.
The force of the gunshot was so strong,
Hans, out of the window, it shoved.
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5. |
Dakar
04:41
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We were bright, young sailors when we headed out at dawn,
We put into Gibraltar and, excitedly pressed on,
The periscope went down as we glided under sea
We had no way of knowing what our fate was to be.
As we drift down deeper into the sea,
I wonder if the world will remember me,
the deeds I have done,
the fights I have won,
seem irrelevant when faced with the great unknown
I hope you never know what it feels like down here,
I’m frozen to the bone with cold and fear.
Down we move slowly toward our inevitable demise
Even as our Captain tries to keep our spirits up with lies.
The engine stopped and we began to fall.
No one to help us we weren’t near any port of call
Has my life been fulfilling? Was it worth this dark deep death?
I watch one by one as my comrades take their last breaths.
I'm still here I'm still breathing after everyone else is gone,
and I've just enough left in me to write this one last song,
my lids turn heavy, my hands they tremble,
my only company now is God or the Devil.
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6. |
I'll Wear What I Want
02:13
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After 30 you really shouldn’t wear short skirts,
Or graphic tees depicting nerdy scenes.
You’d better keep those sparkly pant in your closet.
Or anything else that’ll make you stand out it seems,
Well fuck you, I’ll wear what I want.
Fuck you, I’ll wear what I want.
You can spit on my face,
Flame me online,
Write me a ticket,
Charge me a fine,
But fuck you, I’ll wear what I want.
If you’re overweight you shoudln’t be caught wearing tight clothes,
But oversized shirts are also off the list.
Short hair will make you look even fatter,
And bikinis… well you get the gist.
If you’re black then stay away from baggy clothing.
They may think you’ve got a weapon in there,
And although the hoodie is the most comfy sweatshirt,
If you raise the hood, you’ll leave old whitey in fear.
And don’t get me started if you are caught wearing a burka,
Your neighbors will move quickly to get you out of here,
Cause, really, these rules are all about our comfort,
It’s not you, it’s me, like it’s been for thousands of years.
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7. |
School Ruined My Ufe
03:37
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I see you sitting there, pulling out your hair.
I see you trying all the time, not getting anywhere.
I see the sheer look of boredom in your glazy eyes.
I see you even though you don't really realize.
I could tell you to hold on,
For one more year,
But I've gotta be honest,
I know some day you're just gonna say:
School ruined my ufe,
School took all my youth,
And what did it give me?
Money doesn't mean joy.
I can buy all the toys,
But with who can I share them?
I wanna break free,
From this misery,
And scream at the top of my lungs for everyone to hear,
School ruined my ufe,
School took all my youth,
And what did it give me?
These kids they go to school, after they go to school.
They work their brains to the bone until they can't but drool.
Sacrifice a good night's sleep and a play outside,
For a slightly better test grade and their family's pride.
I watched a boy in school just the other day,
Bang his head against a wall when his play went astray.
Nothing should be that important for a ten-year old,
This fucking system is killing their little souls.
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8. |
Be Kind to Animals
01:19
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Be kind to animals or I'll kill you,
Be kind to animals or I'll kill you,
The dog on the chain is crying in the rain,
And the owner with the key doesn't feel his pain,
Be kind to animals or I'll kill you,
Do unto others goes a long, long way,
But if you keep insisting on being such an ass,
Hope you never ever run into me some day,
Be kind to animals or I'll kill you,
Be kind to animals or I'll kill you,
The cat in the trash doesn't need another gash,
When you chuck your empty bottles from your birthday bash,
Be kind to animals or I'll kill you,
Do unto others goes a long, long way,
But if you keep insisting on being such an ass,
Hope you never ever run into me some day,
Be kind to animals or I'll kill you,
Is just something that I say to try to help you understand,
In the end I could never ever pull the trigger,
Cause we're all animals, every woman, every man,
Cause we're all animals, every woman, every man,
CAUSE WE'RE ALL ANIMALS, EVERY WOMAN, EVERY MAN.
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9. |
Joe Chip
01:19
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My cigarettes turn crunchy stale as soon as I touch ‘em,
The world is turning older still, of me what is to become?
My boss’s face is on the head of every fucking coin,
And he speaks to me, even though we just buried him in Des Moines.
Try Ubik, it’s easy to apply,
Try Ubik, just don’t point it at your eye,
Try Ubik, if your cut becomes infected,
Try Ubik, it’s safe when used as directed.
My friends are turning into mummies practically where they stand,
In the time it takes for minutes to shift the hour hand.
I can’t quite tell what’s up or down, what’s good or what’s bad,
If I find out I’m in half-life I’ll be so fucking mad.
Try Ubik, wake up to Ubik and be wild.
Try Ubik, it comes in spicy and in mild,
Try Ubik, you’ll be as strong as a moose!
Try Ubik, but avoid prolonged use.
Try Ubik, pop tasty Ubik in your toaster,
Try Ubik, the flavors will be a roller coaster,
Try Ubik, for just the price of the postage,
Try Ubik, but don’t exceed the standard dosage.
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10. |
Reveries
04:00
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We load our rifles, say our prayers, and ride out with the sunset, cross the desert.
They’ll never know we’re coming, a safe of riches easily is ours.
As day turns into night the lights of Sweetwater shine brightly like a beacon.
With time to spare before the heist we’ll grab a drink of whiskey at the bar.
This homestead’s all I’ve known, my family’s generations built it from the dirt here.
I help my pa out with the chores, as best as I can handle anyway.
He says to me, “son one day this’ll all be yours so do your best to keep it.”
I haven’t got the courage to reveal to him I do not want to stay.
Hop a hovercraft and come to Westworld
Shoot and fight and ride and drink and screw
They’re only robots, kill ‘em if you want to.
Boy we’ve got a vacation for you.
Anxiety, a nagging thought, confusion trickles into my subconscious,
This journey feels like repetition, like I’ve done this a thousand times before,
Ride up to the bar, there is a stranger laughing, points his gun right at me.
I hear him say “this is fun” as as the bullet sprays my blood across the floor.
These strangers here don’t look at us as people, to them we’re only objects,
We’re target practice, a quick fuck, a way to leave their other lives behind.
They tore apart my homestead, left my father dead, and headed for the next one.
When I track them down I will not hesitate to pay them back in kind.
They hopped a hovercraft and came to our world,
To shoot and fight and ride and drink and screw.
They’re only humans, kill ‘em if you want to.
Boy we’ve got a vacation for you.
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